Just My Thoughts: The Facebook Terrorist Unit – Mission 1

by J.Waves

Every time I log onto facebook it confirms my theory that there is “No Chill In The Wild.” Oh you took your kids to the park for the 14 minutes today? You even gave them two toys from the Dollar Tree for cleaning up the mess you made. For the third time this we week know your boyfriend is the best boyfriend in the whole wide world… his sidechick thinks the exact same thing. Actually you probably liked each others statuses without knowing it was about the same dude. Two weeks from now you’ll find out about it and we’ll see the “I’m just having fun” and “I’m living, young, wild and free” statuses which means the change from “in a relationship to single” and the deleted pictures of you two weren’t enough to alert the entire male species. Below are some examples of Facebook’s refusal to chill.


1. The Thirst

You look so good, I’d suck on ya daddy’s dick.” – Brooklyn Legend

Log on to Facebook, find any girl you knew in high school and witness washed up 25 year old’s acting as if America doesn’t have running faucets on every block. On any given picture there may be upwards of 15 guys leaving comments that read “you’re beautiful ” or “amazing” with the nerve to like the picture AND their comment. If you find this as astonishing as I do, just think about what her inbox looks like. Going even further, just imagine what her inbox looks like when that relationship status says single and that little green dot is visible.


2. The Thirst Trap

Damn baby, pussy can’t be your only hustle” – A popular Chicago prophet.

For every action there’s a reaction. As you may have guessed, the thirst is a reaction to the thirst trap. You all have seen this criminal trap, but chances are you just didn’t recognize it.  You have witnessed it from your friends and you may have unknowingly set it yourself.

How many times a have you seen a girl on your Facebook posting pictures of her summer vacation to Cancun in the middle of February? These pictures were usually “forgotten” about until now. Sounds simple and harmless right? Nah… think about this for a second. This girl has uploaded pictures of herself  every time she’s went out on the weekend for the last 6 months. Then she somehow forgot to post the pictures of herself in a bikini while she was in top form? That is a prime example of the thirst trap.

A girl posts a very revealing picture of herself that showcases every asset she has but the caption reads “I love Colorado.” Wait 44 minutes and go back to that same picture and you’ll see the thirst levels are higher than the continent of Africa. You can spot these thirst traps by using this formula: (# of likes) x (# of comments) / (minutes since posted) = trap


3. Marginal Heauxs

No matter who you are, the right system can turn a role player into a superstar.” – New Jersey Preacher

What is a marginal heaux you ask? A marginal bitchheaux… I mean female who can look like 1st & 5 on Monday but 3rd &15 on Wednesday. Their attractiveness is usually predicated by their hairstyle of the day. They usually are unstable and have crazy attitudes due to their boosted ego from the amount of undeserved thirst. Marginal heauxs are known for their effective use of the thirst trap in order to keep themselves from those punting situations. This will keep the defense off balance and susceptible to the big play.

Don’t trip though… some of the best looking females you encounter can be mistaken for marginal chicks. Their sheer will and consistency has keep them from the cold-hearted unforgiving clutches of marginality. In short, a dime can be a marginal heaux but a marginal heaux can’t be a dime. Kind of like a Kardashian can be a heaux but a heaux can’t be a Kardashian.


4. The Pound 


We see massive amounts of fuckery on social networking sites every day. Parents update their statues expecting kudos for doing shit parents are supposed to do, rappers tweet and continually prove that the only thing they don’t lie about in their songs is the fact they dropped out of high school and females upload pictures every so carefully laying out thirst traps to boost their self esteem. Now while some of the aforementioned examples leave you with a bad taste in your mouth, they are tolerable. The real terrorist; the ones that need to be shipped to Quantico are you pound sign on Facebook using niggas. You niggas are the absolute scum of the earth b. The angels that God assigned to watch over you filthy ingrates loses inches off their wings every time you log on. I almost wrote an email to my congressman and told him I supported SOPA & PIPA after seeing my Facebook filled with #That Shit Cray. I’m as sure as Ray Allen shooting free throws that Jesus wouldn’t have rose on the third day if he knew how you miscreants would repay him.

Do you think your mothers packed a lunchbox every day of the week just for you to grow up and pull some shit like this? But really in retrospect I blame your parents. You weren’t disciplined enough as a child. I guarantee you that y’all are the same little disrespectful bastards that used to put the brown cap on the green marker.  Amber Rose does not get a fresh fade every week for you to use the hash tag on Facebook. Nothing good has ever came from using the pound sign on Facebook. The United States military was searching for Osama Bin Laden for almost a decade and then he used the hash tag on his Facebook and niggas found him that same day.


Today’s Theme Song: Joe Budden – No Church In The Wild

At the end of the day remember these are just my thoughts, but if you can’t shoot a comfortable looking 15 ft jumper your opinion is void anyway.  Alright, I’m out I’ve said too much and I have to go write a Facebook status about how I helped my niece with her science project. I’ll leave you with these words from the honorable Reverend Sean “P Diddy” Combs… “Fuck yo dreams nigga, this reality.” Tell a facebook friend to tweet about us.

Until next time… WAVES!!

Footnote: A dude who will put down his favorite sports team for a girl is not trustworthy.



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